Huh? Sorry yeah, I was listening. Marketing is super cool. I always wondered how that stuff works. Really cool. What do I do? Well it’s not as cool as marketing, but actually I manage the one house where every single appliance commercial takes place. Yes, every single one. No I’m not fucking with you. Every single appliance commercial takes place in one house in Colorado. Even the ones that look different. No it’s not that big of a house I’m just very good at renovation. I accidentally ended up with the copyright to a white woman looking exasperated in a suspiciously nice-looking house so they kind of have no choice. It got extended to men too in 2022. Court said “men can be wives too,” which is pretty nice. Yeah the vacuum companies were pretty pissed at first but eventually they came around. Bissel told me they even prefer it like this. I run a really tight ship and I charge fair prices. Yeah I know the woman who plays the mom in the Bissel vacuum commercials. No I don’t have her number.
if house md were running in 2024 there would be an episode with a patient who identifies as an ‘online content creator’ (cagily) where house agrees to take the case primarily because when he offhandedly refers to her as an onlyfans model both cameron and cuddy get really offended and say it’s a sexist assumption so he doubles down and becomes committed to finding the patient’s onlyfans and proving it. at some point it would be revealed that chase actually is an onlyfans model and started doing it as a stopgap after his dad died and he suddenly got disinherited but he makes so much money off it that now medicine is basically just a hobby. cameron and foreman both disagree with the concept online sex work but it turns out they disagree for different reasons (cameron thinks it’s exploitative and not-feminist, foreman finds it distasteful and thinks people should get ‘real jobs’) and spend most of their scenes together arguing about this while chase gets continually more shifty. they break into the patient’s house and there’s a full ringlight and camera setup which seems to confirm house’s suspicions. while trying to find the patient’s onlyfans house accidentally finds chase’s onlyfans instead and considers publicly embarrassing him about it like he did with wilson’s sex tape but soon realises that most of the staff at the hospital are already subscribed to chase’s onlyfans so makes fun of him for that instead. it then transpires that the reason why the patient is so cagey about being a content creator is that she’s an ASMR artist and all the soap she’s been shaving on camera has irritated her lungs. cuddy is about to make house give her 20 extra hours of clinic duty as recompense but at last minute it’s revealed that the website the patient uses for some of her bonus commissions is, drumroll…onlyfans, because she’s been banned from patreon. how does house know this? wilson is subscribed to her because the soap videos sometimes soothe him to sleep. something by cigarettes after sex plays. roll end credits.
me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit
mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters
me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU
ALT
